Friday, September 17, 2004
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '150.' So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.' The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.
Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'
The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.' The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Bush again?'
While walking down the street one day, George Bush drops dead of a massive coronary. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom know what to do with a Republican in these parts, and this goes double for you."
"No problem - just let me in. I'm a believer," says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts George to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and George finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky, and the temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse.
Standing in front of the clubhouse is his dad, and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years... Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Ken Lay, Jerry Falwell.... the whole of the "Right" was there... everyone laughing...happy... casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense
of the "suckers and peasants."
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink. "Have a Margarita and relax, George!"
"Uh no, I can't drink no more, I took the pledge," says Junior dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is really a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Georgie steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours, George Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat-boy joke among them, no fancy country clubs. While the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster.
These people aren't super-rich, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special. Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless "peace" and "do unto others" jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this
- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil come over and puts an arm around Bush's shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse, and I drank booze and ate caviar. We screwed around and had a great time. Now, there's just a wasteland full of garbage, and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday, we were campaigning; today, you voted for us."
Air America comes to Phoenix
this is friggin' hilarious if true.
Supposedly KXEM 1010 AM in Phoenix will become an AA affiliate. Check out the link to their site. They are currently airing Michael Savage, Neil "Liaaaar!" Boortz and Tony Snow.
Right-wing hate radio booted off a station in Phoenix by AA! Can it really be true? I hope it's not a practical joke.
(There is still, of course, at least another two hate radio format stations here with much larger ratings than KXEM ever got... but it's a start!)