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A snarky fly in
the right wing ointment

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Saturday, May 15, 2004

Memo To Zell
No Dem thinks Goopers are swell
Except for a Miller named Zell
He praises Dear Leader,
A real bottom-feeder,
Here's hoping that Zell rots in Hell.


Idiotic Right-Wing Bumper Sticker Of The Week
Seen on a neighbor's SUV:

"4 out of 5 dictators support John Kerry"

And I say, 4 out of 5 terrorists support George W. Bush.


Doggie Style
Santorum's the man
And he's got a plan
To ban same-sex smooches
And folks humping pooches
A government much like Iran's.


Why Does Gen. Zinni Hate America?
You really should read this recent speech by Gen. Anthony Zinni regarding the ten mistakes we've made in Iraq.

What was striking to me is how many of the reasons he's listed, are pretty much what us anti-war laymen have been saying. In other words, it didn't take a general to figure this shit out... but it of course lends credibility to the argument, to have Zinni say it, and as well as he does.

The 10 mistakes are:

  • The belief that containment as a policy doesn't work.

  • The strategy was flawed.

  • We had to create a false rationale for going in to get public support.

  • We failed ... to internationalize the effort.

  • We underestimated the task.

  • The biggest one, was propping up and trusting the exiles.

  • The lack of planning.

  • The insufficiency of military forces on the ground.

  • The ad hoc organization we threw in there.

  • A series of bad decisions on the ground.

Zinni closes thusly:

We also have to stop the tough talk rhetoric.  One thing you learn in this business is, don't say it unless you're going to do it.  In this part of the world, strength matters.  And if you say you are going to go in and wipe them out, you better do it.  If you say you're going to do it and then you back off and find another solution, you have lost face.  And we have got to stop the kind of bravado and talk that only leads us into trouble out there. [emphasis added - ed.]  We need to be more serious and more mature in what we project as an image. Our whole public relations effort out there has been a disaster.  I read the newspapers from the region every night online, and if you watch Al Jazeera, Al Arabiya, or even some of the more moderate stations out there, and you read the editorials in the newspaper, there is a different war being portrayed in that region.  A different conflict than we're getting from Fox, CNN, CBS, et cetera.  And we better get the two jibed somehow, because that has been a massive failure.  And there again, we could use advice from the region as to how to go about it.

I guess that "Bring 'em on" talk wasn't a very bright idea, eh?


Friday, May 14, 2004

Well At Least We Don't Have Socialized Medicine...
This is just fucking unbelieveable:

MIDVALE, Utah (AP) - After a lot of red tape, Briana Lane has her skull back in one piece. The 22-year-old woman was injured in an auto accident in January, and doctors temporarily removed nearly half her skull to save her life.

But for nearly four months afterward, the piece of bone lay in a hospital freezer across town - and Lane had to wear a plastic street hockey helmet - because of a standoff with Medicaid and the hospital over who would cover the surgery to make her whole again.

The surgery finally came through after an excruciating wait, during which she suffered extreme pain just bending down and would wake up in the morning to find that her brain had shifted to one side during the night.

Is that fucked up or what?

And socialized medicine would be WORSE than this?

I don't know how many of you know this, but I am a dual citizen, US and Italy. I called the Italian Consulate just a couple days ago, because sometime in the future (2 years? 5? 10? 20?), I might relocate to Italy. I wanted to know if I would be eligible for health care even though I had never worked in Italy.

I was told that as soon as I had established a residency in Italy, I simply needed to file with the public health agency in my area, and that's that.

Now I know where I am retiring.


A Limerick For Chuck S.
Some freeper named Chuck S. found a poll that had Kerry up by only one point in California, so he came over to a comments thread at Eschaton to taunt Eschatonians.

I offered the coward a bet on Cali, first for $100 and then $500. I taunted him mercilessly when it became clear he would not take the bet. Eventually he thought up an excuse - "Since I am a Christian, I do not bet!"

This one's for you, Chuck.

There's one way to make freepers cry
Call "bullshit!" whenever they lie.
They really do suck
So shut the fuck
Up Chuck, and die.


Oops, They Did It Again
NPR had a segment on "All Things Considered" this afternoon, by Jeff Brady, about the Colorado Springs bishop who says Catholics who vote for Kerry or other pro-choice politicians, should be refused communion.

No mention of pro-choice Republicans.

No mention of pro-war or pro-death penalty Republicans.

It's all about Kerry and whether he's a good Catholic or not.

NPR - Nice, Polite Republicans.

I'm going to work phone bank next week for our local NPR station's classical station. I will be sure to bring this up with their personnel (who work for the news/talk NPR station as well).


Thanks for nothing, Randi
OK I called up Randi's show around 12:30-ish my time today, thinking that she'd enjoy one of these fabulous limericks.

I was kept on hold TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS until my cell phone's battery finally gave out even though it was plugged in. Which is not the fault of the battery, apparently cell phones use more juice than they charge, when plugged in.

I'm leaving out the part where the cell phone died while I was moving it to another outlet, I called back, and the call screener was a grade A New York asshole to me about it.

I don't believe for a minute they had, like, two dozen people in queue waiting ahead of me. Apparently Randi doesn't find limericks interesting and wasn't about to take my call. So why not just fucking tell me that instead of wasting my goddamned time?

So, you know, keep that in mind should you decide to call in to her show. Not only do they treat the rightards badly, they treat the fans badly too. She's just lost a fan.

I think Randi's gonna get a limerick or two aimed right at her. That'll come later. I have things to do now, things I put off because, you know, I thought Randi's show actually gave a shit about the callers.


I Guess They Should Have Contributed More To Bush/Cheney '04
"Leave No Child Back!"
Chants Bush, but most lack
Schools that succeed
Just think how they need
All the billions he sends to Iraq.


His Hands And Soul, However, Are VERY Unclean
Bush's feet don't touch soil
Seems we're led by a royal
Asshole whose deeds
Are based on proceeds
From fascists and crooks in Big Oil.


Liberal Media Conspiracy(TM) Goes Live
I'm tentatively scheduled to perform my amazing limericks at the Author's Cafe in Scottsdale, next Thursday the 20th, sometime after 7pm. Author's Cafe is located at Goldwater and 1st Street, just south of Indian School.

If any of you out there are in the Phoenix metro area, I hope to see you there. Please be sure to introduce yourself after I do my bit.

Pretty busy today, not sure what if any nuggets o' snark I will have to bestow upon you...

I'd declare open thread but *heh* I *wish* I had that kind of following as far as my blog audience...


Thursday, May 13, 2004

Rummy, DON'T Resign
Dear Donald:

Please don't resign.

As a partisan Democrat, I would like to see this scandal drag out as long as possible.

Even if it doesn't stand a chance of passing in the GOP-controlled House, I would love to see articles of impeachment introduced against you. That should keep you guys on your heels for a few news cycles. Throw in the drip-drip-drip of photos and video that get leaked to the press, and I bet this can go on allllll summer long.



Tucker the Sucker
Tucker was played for a sucker
Now Iraq gives him a pucker
In the ass, where he sits
It's the source of his wits,
Tucker - what a dumb fucker.


Rummy's In Iraq
Perhaps while he is there, he can explain to Iraqis how he still has his job if he's responsible for what went on in Abu Ghraib.


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

George W. Bush Name Game
Almost every ex-President gets stuff named after them. Nixon didn't (I'm not counting presidential libraries, I'm thinking along the lines of schools and roads and shit like that), but even LBJ has stuff named after him (Johnson Space Center) and he won't go down as one of our better presidents either, despite what he did for civil rights.

Recently there's been an astroturf campaign to beatify Saint Ronnie on the dime (what did FDR ever do for our country anyway, other than lead us through WWII and the Harding/Hoover-caused Depression?) and name a college after him. Of course they've already named an airport after him (I refuse to use the name, I will always call it "National Airport").

As loathesome as George W. Bush is, I am certain that in a few years' time there will be some yay-hoo's on some county supervisors' board somewhere in Texas or another red state, that will want to name shit after him.

(a few years back here in Arizona, legislators wanted to name a stretch of state highway the "John Wayne Highway". The road crossed through an Indian reservation, and our dear legislators had a difficult time understanding why they had an issue with that...)

Now, Nixon is not a President we want to remember... but really, I think actually it might be good to name stuff after our most reviled Presidents, as GW Bush will surely be considered after he is booted from office. An appropriate structure named after the Idiot Son of an Asshole, might serve as a reminder to future generations to not repeat his mistakes.

  • I was thinking Texas could name their death chamber after him... the George W. Bush Memorial Abbatoir. He sure seemed to enjoy sending folks there, I think he'd be flattered by the honor.

  • When I was a kid I lived in Florida, I seem to recall they had patches of quicksand there. Maybe they could find a really large one and have Jeb name it the George W. Bush Memorial Quagmire.

  • How about George W. Bush Death Valley. Along the highway that goes through it, they could put up memorial markers for all the deaths for which he's responsible - the 3000 who died on 9/11 because he was too busy cutting brush in Crawford to pay attention to intelligence briefings, as well as the 700 (are we at 800 now?) dead US soldiers. They'd have to put the markers every tenth of a mile I guess.

  • The Grand Canyon could be renamed the George W. Bush Credibility Gap.

  • Until very recently, there was a long stretch of highway in eastern Arizona (it's a GORGEOUS drive, without any signs of civilization for, like, 80 miles or something) named Route 666. Its nickname of course was the Devil's Highway, and religious types finally succeeded in having it renumbered to Route 191. (the road runs up into Colorado, does anyone know if it is still Route 666 there?) Anyway, I would propose restoring the route number to 666 and calling it the George W. Bush Highway Of Good Intentions.

You get the idea. I welcome your input on this, it's been a long and frustrating day and I'm not feeling particularly creative right now.

I can't promise to offer anymore of those cookbooks but if someone submits a particularly hilarious idea, I might be persuaded to cough one up.


Another Letter To The Editor
Dear Editor:

I would like to speak up in favor of George W. Bush.

I run a rather large organization. Since he has been in office, my business has expanded greatly, particularly in the last 12 months. I have no shortage of positions for willing applicants (of which there are thousands), and thanks to the success of Bush's policies, we have been able to expand to cover most of the world.

We enjoy a great popularity that I never could have imagined. Time and time again, Bush has charted a course that matches closely with what we would have desired him to do, and our success is a testament to his wisdom.

In fact, you could say that we never could have succeeded as we have, without George W. Bush and, in fact, the entire Bush family.

In closing, I would like to say:

Four more years!


Osama Bin Laden


Letter To The Editor
Jesus' General published a wildly successful appeal for letters to the editor, when a Wisconsin newspaper asked for more letters supportive of George W. Bush.

Being a loyal soldier in the General's army of Christian soldiers, I went well above and beyond the call of duty and composed not one but three letters. This is the one of those I liked best:

Dear Editor:

Please allow me to contribute some balance to the liberal, unpatriotic bias that has infected your letters-to-the-editor pages.

1) So-called "veteran" John Kerry chose to travel to a foreign land during the Vietnam war. While he was having his exciting, exotic experiences, George W. Bush selflessly opted for an unexciting, patriotic, 100% domestic made-in-the-USA tour of duty. He saved his country quite a bit of money by not demanding they send him halfway around the world.

Why, Bush did so well during his time in the military, that he completed all his duties one year early! I never hear the liberal media mention that.

2) George W. Bush has been a tremendously successful environmental President. His policies have succeeded beyond all predictions, and that is why he has been able to abolish most environmental regulations. They're simply unnecessary any longer!

3) During his 2000 campaign, Bush promised that the US would do no nation-building. As we can plainly see in both Afghanistan and Iraq, he has certainly kept this promise.

4) The "hate-America" crowd, like liberal Al Franken, never tires of calling Bush a liar. For instance, on the issue of WMDs, which they claim were not found in Iraq despite our President's assertions. Has it never occurred to these nattering nabobs of negativism, that Bush's policies towards Saddam Hussein have worked so well, that the dictator rid himself of these weapons before the invasion had begun! Now that is what I call success!

5) George W. Bush's economic policies have succeeded in creating so much wealth, that there is actually less demand for jobs in this country. People don't need them anymore!

6) Left-wing liberals are always complaining that the rest of the world hates the US thanks to George W. Bush's policies. But it's undeniable that Bush has created many, many jobs in India and Iraq and other countries. Would liberals argue that these countries hate America for giving them so many jobs?

7) Always looking for something to bitch about, lately the hate-America crowd has been bellyaching about 'torture' and 'rape' and 'necrophilia' committed by Americans in an Iraqi prison, as well as a surge in terrorist attacks in Iraq. Yet it seems not that long ago that they were complaining about police brutality and terrorist attacks in New York City. I would ask them, would you rather it be happening here, or over there? This is yet another example of the success of Bush's 'flypaper' strategy.

I'd like to conclude by apologizing for the length of this missive. You see, George W. Bush's successes are so numerous, it's hard to keep it under 300 words.

Thank you for the opportunity to present a more fair and balanced portrait of our greatest potentate - er, President ever, George W. Bush.



Limericks: Tapped Out
I think I've exorcised the limerick possession I've been suffering under.

No more limericks. For the time being, at least...

...Gordo has not responded to the email re: the Bush Photo Caption Contest.

If he doesn't claim his prize by Monday, I'll rejudge the contest and declare a new winner.

How hard can it be to give these cookbooks away? It's a really good cookbook!!!!


Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Stop Me Before I Rhyme Again!
The funds meant for Afghans
Were swiped to support Bush's plans
To wage illegal wars
And enrich corporate whores
Now blood is all over his hands.


Rush Rush baby
When talking 'bout sex that is gay,
The Pigman sure leads the way
He lusts for man-loving
In his rectum he's shoving
Megadildoes, since Marta's away.


Megadildos, Rush!
Rush is familiar with porn
Of the sort his listeners scorn
He loves to watch guys
While stroking his thighs
And wanks til his dick is well worn.


Now Is The Time, For Some Clinton Rhyme
The story is always the same
The Clenis is whom wingnuts blame
For all that goes wrong
From DC to Hong Kong
Have these whiners no shame?


To excuse a torture den,
Count on Joe Lieberman.
The shame of our party,
Stinks like a fart, he
Shills for Republicans.


A Slick Limerick Trick
Iraq was a war fought for crude
Oil was what they pursued
Now thousands have died
For their greed and lies
To Hell with all the Bush brood.


"Rummy's the best!"
Cheney crows with some zest.
If failure's your plan
yes, he is the man
Hey Dick, surely you jest.


"I'm responsible," Rummy confessed.
But Cheney says, "he's our best!'
At a torturing spree!
I'd have to agree.
Saddam sure would be impressed.


Yeah, I don't like Rumsfeld
"Out! Damn spot!" Rummy commands
When washing the blood from his hands
But it won't come loose
Thanks to prisoner abuse
And Bush's bloodthirsty demands.


It's Funny 'Cause It's True
When war crimes you need to repent
"I'm responsible"'s the proper lament
Then walk off scot-free
And cackle with glee,
"Am I a Republican yet?"


Monday, May 10, 2004

Kissinger Will Be There Too


Today's Bush/Cheney Fundraising Letter
Received a very fancy envelope with fundraising letters and a color photo of der Chimpenfuhrer and Laura Braun Bush standing together. Must have cost them a bit for the mailing. Glad to know I'm helping waste their money.

Quotes from the fundraising letter:

We must keep building momentum, reaching out to voters by running a positive campaign...

positively slimy...

...based on the President's outstanding record of success.

I guess they define 'success' as, screwing up royally in Iraq, making the whole world hate the US, and sticking our children with $1 trillion in debt.

The President is under non-stop attack from the Democrat Party and their "shadow party" of well-funded liberal special interest groups.

yes, the poor GOP, with hardly two nickels to rub together... except when it comes to expensive campaign mailings. Cry me a fucking river.

Their vicious negative attacks and outlandish charges have stablished a new low in the history of American politics. They will say anything to generate a media feeding frenzy and hope that the modern media maxim is true: A lie repeated often enough becomes accepted as the truth.

GOP Pot: "Kettle, you're black!"

That's why the Bush-Cheney campaign must also get our President's compassionate conservative agenda past the liberal media filter and directly to the voters.

Yes, they have plenty of compassion. For conservatives. And war criminals. Like Don Rumsfeld.

The Democrats have been attacking President Bush with a vicious rhetoric that has never before been heard in Presidential politics. Since last year the Democrat Presidential candidates have likened our President to a "felon" and "segregationaist," called him a "miserable failure" and even suggested President Bush knew about the attacks of 9/11 before they occurred

Yeah, that about covers it. I don't know if he knew about the 9/11 attacks, but certainly he *should* have known based on the intelligence briefings.

Presient Bush has also faced a barrage of attacks from liberal propaganda groups backed by drug legalization advocates, billionaire Peter Lewis and billionaire currency trader George Soros, who has compared our President to a Nazi.

If the shoe fits...

Sounds to me like Republicans are opposed to rich people spending their money on political campaigns. I am sure they will soon renounce all the money they've accepted from wealthy billionaires and Bush Pioneers... won't they? I mean, the GOP is pure as the driven snow when it comes to campaign fundraising, judging by their self-righteous rhetoric.

John Kerry, who has compared President Bush to Saddam Hussein and called for regime change in America...

Yes? Your point is....?

...is on a fundraising blitz to raise $85 million before the Democrat Convention in July to top off a massive liberal war chest.

More whining.

I live in a swing state so I hope they spend a lot of money on mailings... I look forward to sharing them with you as the campaign proceeds.

...they are now putting the return address and some kind of code on the flap you use to seal the envelope. I guess they've noticed people using their postage-paid envelopes to send them materials other than donations. I'll have to black it out or tear it off and seal the envelope some other way. Looks like I'm not the only one doing jujitsu on them!!!


And The Winner Is...

Congratulations, Gordo!

...actually I thought the best entry was:
Hey, Karl? I'm looking over the Patriot Act, and need your help on something. Bill O'Reilly called and asked if I could declare Al Franken an enemy combatant."

But the entry was from "Anon2" who left no email address. So the prize, the cookbook Mamma, Si Mangia?, written by my uncle and illustrated by my aunt, goes to Gordo. I especially liked his entry because the original photo came with a fundraising appeal for the Bush/Cheney '04 campaign crusade.

I have other copies of the book (they are for sale for $10 INCLUDING tax and shipping, mail me if you want to order) so there will be future contests when the mood strikes me.

Thanks for all the entries and for your interest!


Rummy Limerick, Part Deux
On Friday Don Rumsfeld was grilled
'Cuz Iraqis were tortured and killed.
If Saddam burns in Hell
Rummy will be there as well
For all of the blood they've both spilled.


Sunday, May 09, 2004

A Nader Limerick
There once was a twit named Ralph Nader
A well-known consumer crusader.
He helped George Bush win,
And would do it again,
Fuck you, dictator enabler.


I'm Gonna Fuckin' Scream
...the next time I hear some asshat say, "Oh yeah? What about 9/11?" in regards to the torture at Abu Ghraib.

Lately Bush is fond of saying that he thinks brown-skinned people can handle democracy, implying that those of us opposed to the Iraq war are racists.

Well, what kind of racist claptrap is it when you blame any old brown-skinned people you have handy, for something that some other brown-skinned people did?

Condensed torture-rationalizers: What does it matter whom we blame? You can't tell those people apart anyway.


Don't forget the Bush Photo Caption Contest that ends tomorrow at noon eastern/9am pacific.


Limerick Post, The Third
On Mom's Day, it's been reported
Babs said to her sons assorted:
"George is the best
With Jeb and Marvin I'm blessed
But Neil, I wish I'd aborted."


More Tricky Limericky
"Bad Kerry! No cracker!
'Cuz he's a pro-choice backer"
Scream bishops who hid
Priests that molested kids
Now you tell me whose soul is blacker.


Happy Mother's Day, Barbara
Dear Barbara Bush:

I hope you have a happy Mother's Day, but a lot of us out here wish you'd aborted George.

On the other hand, you probably wish you'd aborted Neil.



To Limericky, It's Tricky Tricky Tricky
"Iraq is going just great!"
The Freepers love to dictate
Though Iraqis get tortured,
Their argument's bolstered
'Cuz rectocranial inversion's their natural state.

Last Friday Don Rumsfeld got grilled
In hearings on Capitol Hill
Geneva Conventions were flouted
Rummy's mad the pictures were outed
But quite calm about the blood that was spilled.


Reservoir Neo-Con Dogs
The rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq reminds me of the Quentin Tarantino film, where a jewel heist goes wrong in a very bloody way, and then the criminal conspiracy falls apart in a very bloody way.

Right now I'm thinking of, "Stuck In The Middle With You" playing over the PA system in Abu Ghraib prison.

(I'm told by a confidential source that the as-yet-unseen photos and videos from Abu Ghraib are indeed as grisly as mentioned below - death by gang rape and necrophilia - and even worse than that, if you can imagine.)